Chances Of Success
by ScoreCounter
Summary: Yosuke had always seen those motivational posters around. But it was only now that he kind of understood what they meant, now that he was dating Souji. Or, 11 stages of Yosuke and Souji's relationship, measured by Yosuke's confidence. (Cross-post on AO3)
1. 0: I won't (because who could love me?)

The sky was clear this night. No fog or clouds to cover it, and the stars beamed down brightly - one of the few advantages to living in a rural town, Yosuke thought. The entire package wasn't really for him, he found, but lying there, headphones on, gazing at the sky on one of the few nights he was allowed out - much more now that he was living in a place with a fair crime rate - was one of the scant and few things he enjoyed about this place, sudden friendships caused by supernatural murders aside.

The music being beamed into his ears was on a random shuffle - he did as he always did - skipped past anything he didn't want right now. At the moment it was a calm instrumental, by no means classical, but far from what he usually listened to. His mind was open - not filled with noise or lyrics, but truly open, open for the thoughts to come in, for the voices that everyone has within them, not their shadow, but their subconsious, their active subconsious to start whispering, whispering the words he needs to hear, but screams against them.

He closes his eyes. Pictures of the rest of the team form in his head - of Kanji and Yukiko and all the rest, and he exhales. He doesn't want to feel like the fifth wheel, he truly doesn't. But he knows, and his inner voice knows that this has got nothing to do with them, and everything to do with HIM. His snide remarks, his sarcasm, his only reprieve being Souji, and that was fast slipping away from him, his partner giving him awkward looks and slight avoidance. And he know why, he's always known why, and the voice has always known why, and it's because of then.  
That night.

His thoughts became so tangled, and so confused, and he shut down, reverted, inverted again, saying the first thing that came to his mind and pushing away and forcing everything away from him because that's what he wanted to do, he wanted to admit revulsion, because surely that was more natural and socially acceptable than... than...  
Confusion. Discomfort. Requirement.

 _Extreme ways are back again,  
Extreme places I didn't know..._

Yosuke almost skipped the track, but something, stopped him, the voice whispering, _listen..._

 _I broke everything new again,_  
 _Everything that I'd owned,_  
 _I threw it out the windows, came along,_  
 _Extreme ways I know move apart the colours of my sea_  
 _Perfect colour me..._

He listened, and thought, and the images came fast and clear of that night, the expressions and the disgust and the awkward air in the tent, suffocating, suffocating...  
They built him up and then he knocked him down, knocked himself down, because reasons...?  
None. Exactly.  
Poof.

 _Extreme ways they help me, they help me out late at night_ (When the nights are cold and the thoughts he wants to keep away creep in)  
 _Extreme places I had gone, But never seen any light_ (Because he had seen things, such things that tought him that to not be normal was wrong, and it wouldn't go unpunished by SOMEONE)  
 _Dirty basements, dirty noise, dirty places coming through_ (And he felt hopeless, because what he wanted was so different to that, he wanted frienship in a world of sparse assosiation)  
 _Extreme worlds alone,_

 _Did you ever like it then?_

 _Oh I would stand in line for this_ (People would stand there and laugh, surely, laugh harder at the fallen son, because he was not normal)  
 _There's always room in life for this..._ (And he would never see it, never enjoy life because he couldn't and wouldn't and won't...)

 _Oh baby, Oh baby, then it fell apart, fell apart,_ (And his life flees before him because he can't keep it together, can't decide between who he is and who he must be)  
 _Oh baby, oh baby, then it fell apart, fell apart,_ (And what he has and what he wants he loses because he pushes it away out of fear)  
 _Oh baby, oh baby, then it fell apart, fell apart,_ (And his pulse quickens because what is he really, in the end of the day, when all is said and done)  
 _Oh baby, oh baby, like it always does, always does..._ (And his pulse slows because he needs this like water, but he feels like he's drowning)

 _Extreme songs that told me, they helped me down every night_ (Because dreams are the only place love can be found)  
 _I didn't have much to say, I didn't get above the light_ (He was just another man, nothing special nothing worthy until he was)  
 _I closed my eyes I closed myself I closed my world I never opened up to anything, that could get me along..._  
(And his eyes opened again, and his breathing hastened as realisations flooded him, a sickening realisation that he had betrayed everyone, betrayed himself, and his true feelings, and...)  
 _I had to close down everything, I had to close down my mind_ (A mindless puppet is what was left, an automaton, doing what was natural, and he had to break out, break away, what was playing that music what was playing that music what was playing that music)

The headphones were torn away, he couldn't listen and he wouldn't listen because that wasn't him, not anymore...

Or, it wasn't him anymore...

He looked at the stars again, observed them, looked upon their natural beauty, and marveled slightly, the thoughts and the voices still churning in his head...

It had fell apart. There were no two ways about it.  
Why did he say those things? Was it because his wounds were still sore? From Saki? From... anyone else? Because... he needed acceptance, and the only way to do that was to ensure it wasn't given to someone else?

The pieces fell into place. Slowly, sure, but... maybe, he was scared of competition.  
A shudder ran down his spine at that. Maybe... he wasn't to different from Kanji after all. Kanji had a need for acceptance that transformed into desperation, manifest as homosexuality. Possibly, anyway. And his need for acceptance manifest as hatred, aloofness, wanting to be the one...  
But, he could never be the one, as broken and damaged and alone as he is. Who could love someone like him? Saki didn't, after all.

He found himself back at home before long, gathering paper and card and all sorts of things from all over the place, gifts from long ago, searching, and eventually he found evrything he needed. He will never get what he wanted, but he wasn't going to lose what he had.

* * *

The next day came, another day exploring the other world, their leader had decreed.  
"Hey... Kanji, can you come over here a sec?"  
"..." Kanji remained silent, but followed him, anyways.  
"You... don't have to say anything... and you certainly don't have to forgive me for any of the bullshit I said... but... here." Yosuke pulled out the box of... something that he had prepared last night, and handed it to him.  
"...This is for me?" Kanji sounded - and looked - incredulous.  
"I... was wrong. I'm not going to make any excuses or anything of the sort. If you want to punch me, go ahead."  
Kanji shook his head furiously. "No, no, I... I wouldn't. I... I'm sorry too."  
Now it was Yosuke's turn to be suprised. "Huh?"  
"I... shouldn't have gotten so pissed about it. It's not the first time someone's said something like that to me... although it's certainly the first time someone's actually apologised about it."  
"I... just felt like I should."  
"No interference from Leader-Senpai?"  
"What?! No, not at all."  
Kanji put the box down. "Yosuke-senpai, do you mind if I do something?"  
"...No?"  
Yosuke immidiately found himself being tacked by Kanji, which almost freaked Yosuke out, until he recognised it as one of those 'Bro-Hug' sort of things he sees on all that European trash he watches. "Er... you're welcome?"  
"You're... a pretty cool guy, senpai. All things considered."  
Yosuke slapped the other's back, half in platonic affection, half in indignation. "All things considered?"  
Kanji shrugged. Yosuke was about to pull back until he felt someone tackle his back.  
"S-S-Souji?!"  
The silver haired boy laughed. "What can I say? I needed to make sure you two weren't injuring eachother."  
"P-Partner! I'm not... I;m not that bad..."  
"Of course you're not." He carefully peeled Kanji off of him, dismissing him with a silent, but cheerful stare. He proceeded to spin Yosuke in his arms so they were facing. "Thank you."  
"For what?"  
"Sorting that out. I... I really respect you for that, you know? I mean, that sort of thing... It's hard to get over."  
"Partner... I'm... I'm not homophobic. Not really."  
"But?"  
"But..." He seperated from Souji. "I'm giving up."  
"On what? The team?"  
Yosuke shook his head. "No, no, no. I'm... too used to trying to be normal... even if it's not what I want to do... you know?"  
Souji laughed, that sweet sound again. "I'm more familiar with the concept than you think. It'll take you awhile... to start accepting yourself. It took me years. But... you'll make it. Together, allright?"  
Yosuke smiled. "Together."


	2. 10: I can't (not now, not here)

NOTES:  
Okay, turns out I need a little more faith in myself. Here's another (SHORT) chapter for you - it's not meant to be angsty, but doubtlessly it will be.  
Lyrics from "real Emotion" from Final Fantasy X-2. I don't like the game too much - but, c'mon. It's a good track. (It needed MUCH BETTER acoustics, though. The sound is muffled as as hell.) This stage is gonna flip between Present and Future, so keep up :)  
Oh, and finally, read, like and review?

The sun shone above Inaba, sparkling and jumping off the river bank on the fine sunday (winter) morning. The wind chill was strong, but so was the sun, the heat and cold balancing eachother out. Their hair was ruffling slightly in the wind as they sat by the riverbank, looking out on the river, laughing at the sky, it's clarity, and it's purity.

* * *

 _What can I do for you?_

* * *

They sat there, together, talking about the team, about their other friends.  
"And have you noticed how much happier Kou's been lately?"  
"What do you want me to say? He's... finally getting over what happened. You know, with his family."  
"...Yeah... I remember you telling me about that."  
"You breathed a word?"  
"Not to a soul."

* * *

 _What can I do for you?_ (What am I?)  
 _What can I do for you?_ (What am I doing?)  
 _What can I do for you?_ (Isn't that what I wanted?)  
 _I can't hear you_ (And why am I still thinking about it?)

* * *

"I'm glad. I know I can trust you, Yosuke."  
"I know I can trust you too, partner."  
They sat there, in the wind, under just burning skies, fading to blue. Souji had invited Yosuke down to the riverbank to chill out. Social links meant little, now, and all he had to do was enjoy the burning embers of the year, spending it with the people he liked the most.

"Hey, how's Naoto?"  
"Still shy. She's still not admitting that she likes him directly. But she's starting to get more confident. Kanji?"  
"Getting confortable, actually. Heck, I don't even mind the jokey flirting anymore."

* * *

 _Far beyond the crazy borders of my heart,_ (Where I never imagined, never thought, never saw...)  
 _I could see a place, that's something like this_ (A place where I could be happy, where I could have peace...)  
 _Every now and then I don't know what to do_ (How do I get there, How do I survive?)  
 _Still I know that I can never go back_ (Because everythings falling apart)  
(...and it's my fault. Again.)

* * *

Souji looked at Yosuke curiously, the throughts churning in his mind.  
"You... don't mind it?"  
Yosuke sat there, pondering. "Well, I'm not sure I minded it in the first place. I mean, it was like... connection."  
"Connection?"  
"My Shadow was the part of me that I didn't want to accept and no one else wanted to know about... as was Yukiko and Kanji..."  
Souji's eyebrows raised in enlightenment. "So you thought Kanji's Shadow was what was unnacceptable about him."  
"I know. Dumb logic, right?"  
"No, no, it makes sense. What made you change your mind?"  
"...Naoto's Shadow."  
"...Naoto?"  
"It was then I realised that... Shadows, or ours at least... they're almost... cries for help, in a way. They're screams of what we really want, who we really want to be..."  
"What you really want to say?"  
"...Well, yeah."  
"...Well... if Shadows are the things that we really want to say..."

* * *

 _But the things I've seen_ (What I want? Or what I need?)  
 _In those hazy dreams_ (Who I am? Who I'm not?)  
 _Can't compare to what I'm seeing now_ (What I hate? Or not hate?)  
 _Everything's so different_ (My life has changed, my soul has changed)  
 _That it brings me to my knees_ (My legs feel like dead weight, and I... and I...)

* * *

"Partner?" Yosuke turned to face him.  
"I... I have something I've been meaning to say for a while now."  
They both shifted unconfortably.

"Well, the... er... the thing is... ah... will you go out with me?"

Unhandled Exception at line 86 in function Reaction:  
No response set for query "Will you go out with me"  
During the handling of the above exception, another exeption occoured:  
Unhandled Exception at line 42 in main:  
Function Homophobic Freakout not declared  
During the exception above, another exception occoured:

...  
...

* * *

 _And though I know_ (Becuase it feels so real, the air, the voice)  
 _The world of real Emotion has surrounded me_ (What will they think?)  
 _I won't give in to it_ (I want to but I can't)  
 _Now I know that forward is the only way my heart can go_ (There's no way back, but no way forward)  
 _I hear your voice reaching out to me_ (Reach harder, partner...)  
 _You'll never be alone_

* * *

Souji's voice entered the white noise of his feelings, not quite breaking through, Yosuke feeling the breaths draw in and out of him, in and out in and out in and out  
The energy building, building, not exploding because he can't let it out but he has to, wants to, he's buring with it...  
(What can I do for you?)  
He hears Souji's apologies, sees his hurt smile, but feels trapped, can't escape, can't do anything but offer a friendly smile, and he's breaking, he can hear Souji asking if they're still friends, and he nods even though they're more except they're not-  
(What can I do for you?)  
He wants to shout, he wants to scream, hearing the voices shout over and around eachother- "yes""no""yes""no""yes""no""yes"  
(What can I do for you?)  
And he shouts, "I love you!"  
And no-one hears.  
(I can't hear you...)


End file.
